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Embracing your child's big emotions is a cornerstone of sound parenting advice, echoed by numerous child development experts. This guidance emphasises the importance of allowing children to freely express their intense feelings, such as tantrums, crying, sadness, anger, and frustration.

At Daily 10, we often discuss the natural inclination parents have to shield their children from upset and distress. This instinct, driven by our deep love and compassion, aims to protect our children from suffering, as their discomfort directly impacts our own emotional state. However, despite our best intentions, efforts to suppress or quickly resolve these emotions can inadvertently lead to more issues down the line.

We find it helpful to be mindful of certain well-intentioned behaviours that could potentially run against this advice. Reflecting on and avoiding these behaviours, and considering alternative approaches, can make a significant difference.

Rushing to solve the problem

When a child experiences distress, parents might instinctively rush to fix the problem. Imagine a kid whose toy has broken. A parent might swoop in saying things like, "Oh, there's no need to be upset, here's how we can fix this." or “Don’t worry, we can buy a new one.” This certainly comes from a place of love, aiming to protect the child from sadness, and it’s not easy to resist offering a solution. For these situations, we love the advice to slow down and let the child process their emotions. Narrating the situation instead of offering an immediate solution, and involving the child in finding a way to solve the problem, can significantly enhance their emotional resilience and independence. This approach teaches children to face challenges head-on and develop problem-solving skills, which are crucial for their growth and self-sufficiency.

Attempting to distract a child away from their emotions quickly is another approach a parent might take. For example, if a child is hurt and visibly upset or angry, a parent might suggest, "Why don't we do something fun, like get some ice cream right away!" to quickly shift them towards a positive emotion. However, this tactic prevents the child from fully experiencing and processing their emotions, subtly teaching that distractions or material rewards are solutions to negative feelings. Over time, this can lead to difficulties in handling emotions. Instead, we really like the advice to simply be present with the child, acknowledging their feelings and narrating what's happening. Something like: “I hear you’re very upset. You just tripped and fell down and it must hurt very much. Can you show me where it hurts?”

Invalidating the child’s feelings

Parents might inadvertently invalidate their children's emotions, which can be subtly harmful. Janet Lansbury has a great podcast called How We Invalidate Our Kids Without Meaning To (And What to Do Instead) - Janet Lansbury. There she underscores the importance of acknowledging rather than dismissing a child's feelings. Common phrases like "There's no need to be upset over something so small," or "Don't worry, everything will be okay," may seem comforting but can actually signal to children that their feelings are not valid. This not only compounds their current upset but might also instil a belief that their emotions are incorrect or unwelcome. Instead, being present with your child, actively listening, and acknowledging their feelings without judgment can be profoundly supportive. This approach not only validates their emotions but also teaches them to recognise and articulate their feelings, fostering emotional intelligence and resilience.

We believe this advice is one of the best things parents can do. By embracing children’s big emotions parents allow them to be expressed as opposed to bottled up. They give the child time and space to process the underlying causes. They allow the child’s systems to normalise through crying, shouting, or just getting negative energy out of their bodies. What is more, parents bond with their children by showing them they are there to support them no matter what. This builds confidence that their emotions and opinions matter and that they will be loved unconditionally.

Have the right expectations

Setting realistic expectations as parents is crucial to fostering a healthy relationship with our children and supporting their growth. When our expectations don't align with our children's capabilities, frustration can ensue for both parties. We might expect our children to perform certain tasks or behave in specific ways, only to be met with resistance or failure. This discrepancy can lead to feelings of disappointment and can exacerbate the situation, impacting our reactions and, in turn, our relationship with our children.

The reality is that children's abilities and emotional maturity evolve over time. Younger children, for example, might struggle with impulse control despite repeated instructions, while teenagers may seek more independence, making it harder for them to adhere to parental requests. Adjusting our expectations to better match our children's current developmental stage can reduce frustration and allow us to model appropriate behaviour. For instance, understanding that a toddler might not always follow verbal commands can prompt us to stay physically close to prevent undesired actions. Similarly, recognising the emotional changes in teenagers can help us approach them with more patience and understanding, thereby facilitating cooperation.

Navigating these expectations isn't always straightforward, and it's common to misjudge our children's readiness for certain behaviours or responsibilities. Resources like Janet Lansbury's blog and books offer valuable insights for managing expectations with younger children, while Carl Pickhardt's Psychology Today blogs provide great tips for understanding adolescence. Consulting such resources can help parents recalibrate their expectations, ensuring they're in line with their children's developmental needs and capabilities. By doing so, parents can foster a more harmonious and supportive environment that encourages children to grow, learn, and thrive.

Praise smartly

Praise, when offered by parents, holds immense power. It serves as a form of positive reinforcement, catching our children’s attention and encouraging behaviours we wish to see more of. By praising, we essentially signal to our children’s brains that something commendable has happened, encouraging them to remember and repeat the actions that led to it.

However, the act of praising comes with its own set of responsibilities. Behavioural experts and scientific studies have scrutinised praise, revealing a spectrum of advice. While some cultures advocate for minimal praise to avoid inflating a child's ego, others emphasise its importance in boosting self-esteem. Deciding on the approach to praise — its frequency, focus, and intent — is not something parents can afford to overlook. Ignoring the nuances of praise can be as impactful as not praising at all, potentially missing opportunities to meaningfully reinforce positive behaviours or, conversely, leading to a reliance on external validation.

To navigate the complexities of praise effectively, we've found two principles particularly useful: focusing on the effort rather than the outcome or the personal traits, and striving for balance.

Highlighting effort — such as the hard work put into preparing for a test rather than just the success of the outcome — shifts the emphasis from being inherently "smart" or "talented" to valuing persistence and resilience. An example could be, instead of saying ‘You’re so smart for doing well on your test' or ‘You got all questions right, amazing job!' to instead draw the attention to the effort the child put in, e.g. ‘You prepared hard for that test. Well done!’ This is beautifully illustrated in a study by Carol Dweck at Columbia University that found that children praised for effort at solving puzzles vs those praised for intelligence would choose more difficult puzzles to tackle as a follow up and reported enjoying the process more.

Finding the right balance in praising children is a delicate art. Parents might reserve their praise for moments they personally find impressive, potentially overlooking smaller achievements that are significant milestones for their child. Conversely, overpraising can dilute the value of appreciation or lead to a scenario where a child's motivation becomes dependent on receiving praise. Striking a balance ensures that praise remains meaningful and effective, reinforcing behaviours and efforts in a way that promotes independence and self-motivation. Acknowledging this balance can help parents more thoughtfully recognise and encourage their child's progress and efforts.

Ultimately, meaningful and well-timed praise can significantly enhance the parent-child relationship, making children feel valued and more open to guidance. It creates a foundation for mutual respect and understanding, positioning praise not just as a tool for immediate reinforcement but as a building block for lifelong self-esteem and motivation.

Concluding thoughts

The insights from the three pieces of advice we've explored align seamlessly with the ethos of Daily 10, demonstrating how a compassionate and loving approach naturally fosters respect for children’s feelings and emotions. The practice of expressing meaningful praise not only uplifts children but also mirrors the profound benefits seen in gratitude practice. Moreover, adjusting our expectations as parents encourages us to remain curious and open, reminding us that reality may not always match our initial perceptions.

We hope these reflections serve as thoughtful considerations for your parenting journey. For those seeking deeper insights and practical tips, we encourage exploring the recommended sources provided below the article. These resources can offer further guidance on embracing these principles, enhancing your connection with your child, and supporting their growth with love, understanding, and mindfulness.

Our favourite sources

• No Angry Kids - Fostering Emotional Literacy In Our Children - Janet Lansbury 
• How We Invalidate Our Kids Without Meaning To (And What to Do Instead) - Janet Lansbury
• Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Other Intense Outbursts: My #1 Secret for Staying Calm - Janet Lansbury 
• No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame 
• The Aware Baby
• feelings – Regarding Baby
• Carl Pickhardt’s Psychology Today blogs
• Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children's Motivation and Performance